Are you disheartened picking the same kind of person despite differences in appearance, background and lifestyle? Does each one leave you feeling the same old, empty feelings, as you attempt to initiate change in your life? You are not alone in this cycle of disappointment and dissatisfaction.
Most of us, men and women alike, are unaware that our choices of life partners are neither random, nor driven by conscious factors. They are profoundly impacted by the quality of love and nurturance which we experienced as infants and children. Our sense of safety and security in the world and of what makes relationships work were formed during these early stages of life.
What is most familiar to you on an emotional level, not on a conscious one, is what determines whom you choose as a prospective spouse. His or her emotional make-up recreates an experience with which you are most familiar, rather than what is best for you. This dynamic occurs regardless of whether the relationship is satisfying or conflictual. The unconscious pull is powerful, tenacious, and operates just under your radar screen. It is rooted deep in your emotional history, as well as your literal history. For this reason even if a relationship is problematic, it is difficult either to disengage or to learn from its challenges.
While you may feel that the patterns of your life are etched in stone, they can be changed. Your mistakes, misunderstandings and errors in judgment can be invaluable opportunities for growth. Through emotional relearning you can modify the prism through which you process life and move forward. Although your hopes and dreams can provide motivation, it is in this relearning, translated into constructive living that you learn to implement significant change in your life.
The cycle of disappointment is not endless; the repetition can be modified! The decision is yours.
Dr. Maryann B Schaefer
Ph.D. – Counseling, Concentration in Psychology
NYS Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Fellow of American Psychotherapy Association
Phone: (516) 627-1145
5 Travers Street Manhasset, NY 11030
Office Hours: By appointment only.